I don’t know about you, but breaking up is hard to do right? But like everything else in life, there are steps you can take when you have broken up with “Mr. Right” to alleviate your broken heart and torn-up emotions.
Breakups can be full of drama and conflict. I know, I have been through many of them. But they don’t have to be all ugly, nasty and hateful. They can be liberating, compassionate and amicable. If you choose to come from a growth mindset and from a place of emotional maturity, you WILL get through this time of transition. It doesn’t matter if you were the person who broke up or the person who was broken up with, you ultimately have the privilege of deciding how things are going to go. You cannot choose how they are going to respond but you can decide on how you are going to respond.
I know the pain and suffering that can transpire, I was divorced after 7 years and I moved from Australia to the US for my first husband, and from that point on, I learned a lot about myself, how to handle my emotions and how to get through on the other side a stronger, more confident woman.
This latest breakup was a little different. I came home after a speaking engagement and my boyfriend of two years broke up with me at the local Starbucks. Yep, classy hey? My life was on a different trajectory up until that moment, then BOOM, how a few words altered that course. Yep, impeccable timing. I didn’t see it coming. We had not fought, we were not having issues, I was completely and utterly blindsided. I was in for a tumultuous ride! But I knew I could handle anything that came my way. Despite the pain, heartache and doubt, I found the courage to move forward, single and able to pave a future for myself by myself.
All I knew was that I was so grateful for the awareness training I had been immersed in and I was a teacher of EQ with a lot of knowledge. Now, I was going to be put to the test. This is where the rubber meets the road and you have to swing into action despite your mind racing in different directions, your ego is flailing, you feel sad, upset, disappointed, lonely, uncertain, all at the same time and it continues.
This peak emotional experience was about to test me and I am not sure I was ready but I sure put on my big girl panties and said F%!k it, I am moving on! “Experience without the emotional charge is called wisdom.” Dr. Joe Dispenza. I wanted to transform my experience into wisdom as quickly as I could. But I was in for a wild ride!
Choosing to come from a growth mindset and from a place of emotional maturity, that is your BEST option. NO matter how difficul it is, no matter how awful you feel and how many tears you have cried, your ability to understand and harness your emotional maturity is going to make the difference between a major breakdown or a major breakthrough. The BEST part is, YOU are in charge here and you get to decide your own fate. The emotions of 2 people that have been together for a short amount of time or even a longer amount of time can be difficult because you have molded your lives together and your relationship has become a partnership, a unit, and a team.
Because of the breakthroughs in modern neuroscience, breakups do not have to be all drama, conflict, and diminishing of self-confidence and full of hate. They can be about learning, letting go, self-reflection, and truly finding yourself. Time doesn’t heal all wounds but it is what you do with that time that where you will ultimately decide your fate.
But because we are coming up against our subconscious habits, we may not always let go so easily. Our ego-minded drama-queen self will have you resist, doubt, feel insecure and make you question every thought and decision that crosses your mind, “Was it me? what did I do wrong? I am not good enough, I knew he would leave me, I knew I should not trust again, my heart is broken and I am forever emotionally scarred.” That type of chatter will keep you stuck, stranded and forever wounded.
Love can be a treacherous emotion to let go of when we find ourselves alone…..again. But if you CHOOSE do things that will help you move forward, and shape you in a way that will build your self-esteem, you can alleviate some of the unnecessary suffering that goes along with a breakup.
I know it isn’t easy, it doesn’t always feel good, sometimes it is downright awful, painful and heart wrenching, but with some care and self-love, you WILL recover from a breakup and a wounded heart.
I know in my own life, I have had some unbelievably unpleasant and highly dramatic breakups. Does this sound familiar to you? My latest breakup before I met my husband was a lot more graceful, and a little less painless and I definitely came from an emotionally mature mindset despite the circumstances.
I thought, WOW, everyone could benefit from what I learned when I was really compassionate with myself, forgiving and I moved through the grief from a growth mindset instead of my usual limited mindset that I had become accustomed to knowing. Of course I had moments of doubt and uncertainty, and my heart was broken into a million different pieces. But I knew that deep down inside, we weren’t meant to be, I chose to move forward and there was no possibility of going back, so I got to work, hard work!
1.Stay off Social Media, Delete your Account and Cut ALL Ties.
We are so hooked and addicted to our social media accounts that we find it difficult to stay off them. And then we find it even more difficult to move forward with our lives because we are so attached to our devices. It has become such a way of life to check-in and make status updates that we forget what it was like NOT to have it.
I was in my past relationship for two years. Five months after we broke up, I found out he started dating his close friend and roommate. He had actually been living with her for the last year we were together. How about that for shock value, straight through the heart!? It was hurtful, I felt hurt, pain and my heart ached, I had that intuitive feeling that they would end up together but I wasn’t paying attention to that sixth sense that this was inevitable.
But I realized in that very moment, I had the power to choose something different.I could choose to be happy and I could choose to be free despite prevailing circumstances. It didn’t have to be ugly, messy or dramatic, it could be the way I wanted it to be, graceful, peaceful and simple and I could walk away with confidence and it COULD make me stronger. I walked away a better person and deep down inside I knew it was for my greater good and I trusted that eventually I would find my peace of mind and eventually, my life partner.
Listen, most things that are worthwhile are worth going through the pain but who ever said you had to suffer relentlessly and for extended periods of time? That is the old model of thinking. I used to think that you had to suffer and grieve and that the experience had to be awful and conflict-ridden and now I know better and that limited believe was completely and utterly untrue.
I know now that it can be done without the drama and without the insidious ego mind that will torture you and make up untrue stories about the break-up and try and make you believe things that aren’t a depiction of reality. Put on your seat belt because the rollercoaster of emotions is going to take you for a ride unless YOU take charge and decide where the rollercoaster is going to go!
Has anyone ever left you for their room-mates and/or mutual friend? Well, your brain goes into over drive trying to make sense of it all and your own thoughts start seducing you into the fact that they were doing something wrong behind your back, they betrayed you, they lied to you, for how long, and who knew about it and blah blah blah blah. It is NOT fun. This moment is pivotal for your growth and progress. Adversity is the genesis of evolution and you are standing right in the middle of it. Now, what are you going to choose? Ego-ridden and self-deceptive lies, or truth and wisdom?
The monkey mind (the sub-vocalizations in your brain) or the runaway freight train goes wild and it is up to YOU to put a stop to it. You are going to have to face yourself and find your emotional maturity. I know it can be tough, it takes quite an amount of effort to stop the insane chatter in your brain but it will be worth the hard work tapering your thoughts, emotions and beliefs about it and more importantly, about you and how you are going to handle it. Are you going to choose your maturity, or let insecurity run rampant?
The runaway train called your thoughts needs to be muted! But, you know what, it doesn’t even matter because whatever they did, that would be about them and not you and if they were doing something dishonest, it doesn’t matter the circumstances, what matters now is how you are going to handle it. YOU are going to have to dig extra deep here, choose your emotional maturity, get over it and move on.
Your ability to move on quickly depends on the decisions that you are willing to make. Events like this have the potential to strengthen you if you let them or else it will diminish your self-confidence, the beauty is, YOU get to decide. So choose wisely.
It is certainly a dandy experience to go through and it sure is character building. But guess what? YOU will survive it! These are the times in life where you have to dig deep and find your confidence and love yourself enough to move forward with compassion, a forgiving heart and trust that something better is in store for you. And If I can do it, anyone is capable of it. But you must try and you must overcome your limited emotions. Easier said than done right?
It can be a hard pill to swallow but if we choose the right perspective, everything is for our benefit and our growth if we can just SEE the value in it and push through the hard times. Beyond your limitations is your liberation, beyond your insecurity is your self-confidence and beyond your limited perception is your freedom. Trust me, I know it can be done, I am living proof. And I know you can do it too.
It was not an easy task, but straight away when we broke up, I deleted him on social media. I knew that in my heart of hearts that there was no chance of getting back together so I made the choice to delete him and delete all of my connections to him. This was a hard but really worthwhile decision. Trust yourself, don’t let your ego or pride get in the way and get on with it. You will feel so much better, just rip that band-aid off and disconnect.
No longer could photos of him and what he was up to now seduce me into making up stories about him and his new life. I was moving onward and the past is the past for a reason. It has nothing new to say, so keep your eye on the goal, you are now moving onward, you are on your way to emotional freedom.
It was truly liberating! Your brain is insidious and it wants to know what they are doing. But if you don’t let it, you will thank yourself for having self-discipline and that you loved yourself enough NOT to get sucked back into your past. You are now preparing yourself for a NEW future, so get ready.
If you aren’t quite ready to do that, just delete your account temporarily so you aren’t tempted at all to stalk and see what he/she is up to. Again, social media is just a habit and after about 72 hours, you will be so grateful you did, and you got over your FOMO-fear of missing out and you can get back to the real importance of life, living and not dwelling on the past. YOU can DO this. There are billions of people on planet earth and when you are ready, you will find love again.
2.Learn a New Skill- Neuroscience and Trusting in Yourself.
Neuroscience is an amazing field of study. Your brain is the most outstanding piece of machinery. When you feed it new and novel information, it loves to learn. Learning is a reward within itself and is a great way to move forward after a breakup. If you wanted to learn a new language, learn to meditate or take a university class you always wanted to, learn to dance the cha cha, take yoga or learn to ride a motorcycle, take a painting class, learn to write poetry. There are infinite things you could learn to help you move on.
The internet is an amazing resource, utilize it and you will find the most incredible things that will get your juices flowing and your soul rejuvenated.
I attended multiple workshops, listened to numerous audio books and started to learn different skills to overcome my latest breakup and the grief that comes with it. I love trying new things and I love to learn. When your brain is so focused and keeps its attention on a new skill, amazing things happen, your neurons fire and create new connections and you fall in love with a greater ideal of who you are and what you stand for. You obsess about a new future, and know you can move forward and become a stronger and more confident you.
Now, doesn’t that sound better than sitting on your couch home alone with your cat in your pajamas eating ice-cream and crying over what could have been? Memories are a way of keeping you stuck in the past, so start making new memories, and new skills and watch yourself move forward and create a better life. “A memory without the emotional charge is called wisdom.” Dr. Joe Dispenza
Resistance will have you try and stay angry and in your past, keep depressed, stalk your ex-partner on social media, do a drive-by with your girlfriends, get distracted at work, and attempt to make public displays of humiliation directed at them but instead you make a fool out of yourself. It can be a full-time job just stopping all the crazy sub-vocalizations going on in your brain from hijacking you right out of your logical, calm self.
But you can beat all of this by staying calm, not reacting to every insane thought that possesses your brain and learning a new way to handle the situation at hand.
Over time, your thoughts, actions and feelings become hard- wired in your brain and most things you do have become a habit, these habits are called your LIFE. And in life, you are going to have to face yourself and start thinking anew especially after a breakup but you are going to be in the same environment. I know, scary ha? This is not a bad thing but it can definitely pose a challenge at times since change is not easy and although we may have good intentions and want to move forward, sometimes our past habits call us back to our unwanted selves.
When you learn to drive a car, over time and with practice, you learn to do it without even thinking about it right? You can even drive your car to work, put on your makeup, eat breakfast, drink your coffee, have a conversation and even talk on the phone almost simultaneously and only with your eyes on the road. You don’t even have to think about it because you have done it so many times, your body (also known as the subconscious mind) KNOWS how to do it without you having to do much but open your eyes. So the more we practice something, the better we get at it and create the neural networks in our brain so it becomes easier and more natural. Dr Joe Dispenza
But when it comes to change, oh boy, we are going to have to really begin to teach the brain to NOT fire in the same old sequence and give it new instructions and that requires a little effort and a little motivation. It will more than likely be uncomfortable and unfamiliar but if we really want to move forward and onto something better, it is an inevitable part of the process. Basically, we must create a new “mind” to create a “new” life, without our previous relationship in it.
Here is the good news, the latest neuroscience studies on the brain postulate that the brain is actually malleable and neuroplastic, thus we can harness new information and enact it and the brain changes and it not fixed like it was once thought.
Your job is to trust the outcome and not focus on the usual worst-case scenario. I know it can be tedious and hard work but the payoff and reward are going to be so worth it. There are unlimited possibilities in a scenario, pick one that is gong to propel you forward, propel you to grow and propel you to make progress. Stop trying to obsess about your old life, create a new outrageous one, one that you can fall in love with and one that is based on potentials and infinite outcomes.
This new field of neuroscience and quantum physics has made such breakthroughs. After a breakup, there is doubt, uncertainty and insecurity amidst many other emotions that are running high. It can be stressful to say the least. These modern techniques and learning emotional competency that can be attained now prove that you don’t have to suffer for extended periods of time, and we know that elongates suffering really comes down to being self-imposed.
When you can learn and cultivate new skills, you start to hard wire in new experiences and new events. When you do this and be intentional about it, you start to give yourself a the best chance to get over it and start replacing those old insecure and doubtful emotions with gratitude, love, learning and undertake a new path and really an opportunity to create a new and more evolved you.
You can train your brain to overcome your limited emotions. But are YOU willing to go through all that pain at the expense of a greater ideal? I know I was just ready to just do it. I wanted to move beyond my emotional bondage and break free from my old self that was keeping me stuck and limited to an old ideal. Try and feel sad and grateful at the same time, it is almost impossible to do. Try and feel stressed and happy at the same time, you literally cannot do it.
You don’t have to be a victim of your emotions you can learn to master them instead. It is a skill like any other skill but it takes time, practice and a desire to learn and overcome them from an elevated level of mind. Be patient with yourself and have compassion, believe it or not, patience is the fastest way to change!
3.Get on a Plane or take a Road Trip.
I realized so many things about myself after my break up that I was forced to reflect on who I was being in my past. Something’s were great but when you light a candle in a dark place, it becomes very apparent that I really needed to improve in some areas. Self-reflection is not easy sometimes, but it is so necessary. I used to travel every year and go overseas. I was not as careful as I am now with money and decided to just travel within the USA.
For almost 5 months, I traveled to Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Seattle, Colorado, North Carolina, Helen, Georgia, Whistler, Vancouver, Canada, San Francisco and a bunch of other places to ease my mind, cradle my broken heart and spend time with my friends and family. Let me tell you, it was one of the BEST things to do and I had a blast. I went snowboarding, won at blackjack, visited rural places, attended Coachella, went horseback riding, and lived it up in some of the most beautiful parts of the country. I know you take yourself with you wherever you go, but if those places aren’t attached to your old self, it is so much easier to just let go and start to be at ease with your newly single self. Being single is not all that bad. You now have the unique opportunity to re-create yourself and become a better person. How exciting!!
Sometimes the memories are so fresh and the things you used to do together are local and again since we know a lot about neuroscience, start making new memories to replace the old ones that are no longer serving you! Boom! Get out there and live a little. This is not an escape, and be careful, don’t let it turn into another crutch. Use this as a springboard to become a better version of yourself.
Before you know it, you will be laughing at how ridiculous you had been trying to stalk your ex on social media and drunk dial them because you were now on the slopes of Whistler basking in the beauty and richness of the landscape and the wind at your face when you were riding those amazing quarter horses in Sedona, Arizona and watching Nascar in North Carolina.
Embrace your new life. You deserve it!
4.Take a Self-Development Class.
I took a few self-development classes after my break up and it helped alleviate some of the heartache that is inevitable and a part of a breakup. One of my favorite neuroscientists and authors is Dr. Joe Dispenza. If you want to know about your brain and just become better at life, I highly recommend his teachings, books and his seminars. Darren Hardy and Michael Bernoff are another few of my favorites. I took classes, webinars and dove right in to learn about how I could just get better at life so I could get better at dealing with my breakup.
When you get better at life, you inherently become more self-aware, and have more tools in the toolbox so when life gets tough, you get tougher and have more things to utilize in that tool box and now it is called wisdom to heal that wounded heart and move forward.
I am passionate about self-development and it has helped me become the person I am today. Never pass up the opportunity to go to a workshop or seminar, you never know, it may just inspire you enough to get apply the new information and move on and while you are at it, meet some great new people and have some wonderful new experiences.
I am passionate about teaching and helping people get results. I have helped a lot of people through their breakups and I knew that a way to get over this more quickly was to of course teach and do more workshops. And so I did! Sometimes the best way to heal is to help others heal.
Giving is one of the ultimate ways to move forward. You heal yourself by helping others. I taught many workshops after my breakup and was so highly focused on my students. I dug deep, I had to be my best so I could give them my knowledge, expertise and wisdom so they could apply what I know to their lives. It is rewarding, fulfilling and your heart overflows with love because you are contributing to the lives of others. Don’t ever forget. You can always make a difference in other peoples lives.
Don’t let your breakup be an excuse to NOT achieve your goals, and NOT do the things you want to do. Use it as a platform to become a better version of yourself, to become more confident, more motivated and more passionate about life.
5.Seek the Advice of a Professional.
We all grieve and react differently and our ability to move forward in any situation is not uniform. If you truly feel as though you aren’t making strides and moving forward the way you would like to, or as quickly, seek the advice of a professional therapist, counselor or psychologist. They are trained professionals and some even specialize in breakups. Never underestimate the power of the knowledge they possess and the insights they have to help and support you get through difficulties and adverse circumstances.
During the course of my life, I have spoken to personal counselors and marriage psychologists and I was so impressed with the level of skill they possessed in assisting me in making breakthroughs and awareness’s that I wasn’t able to see. Seeking the advice of a professional is a sign of strength, not weakness. If you feel like you need to do this, just do it. You will be so grateful you did.
6.Stop Talking About it and Get on with it…
After telling my tragic tale of woe and sadness to everyone, after a few weeks of telling the same story over and over again, I realized that every time I told it, it would bring up the emotions and feelings over and over again and realized that in order to move forward, I just needed to STOP talking about it. Can you believe it? For my own growth and evolution, I had to and I chose to.
Neuroscience now tells us that if you keep talking about that problem, your body also known as the subconscious mind feels as though the experience is happening right now, although it has already happened and by the very nature of you constantly talking about it, or even obsessing about it, you continuously barrage your mind with the same chemicals and you feel as though you are constantly re-living the same experience over and over and over again. YUCK!
Do you want to keep re-living that breakup over and over again? I know I didn’t want to! I was tired of listening to myself tell that story again. It was boring and that was a depiction of the old me, it made me feel terrible and I was ready to STOP IT and move forward. I know this part is not easy because you haven’t stopped talking about it since it happened but I promise you, you will become liberated, a new you will emerge and your wounded heart will begin to heal.
7.Don’t Shop Until You Drop.
Alright ladies, this is for you and me! Shopping is wonderful and notorious for distracting our minds from things we know we need to deal with. Shopping can be fun and we can grab our girlfriends and make a day of it right? But if we let our emotions get the better of us, we could get into real trouble with that debit card or credit card. I know because that is what I did. New dresses, new shoes, bags, perfume and the list is endless, not only did I end up with stuff I didn’t need, it didn’t make me feel any better, know I had more credit card debt now actually made it worse, so remember, stay out of stores (SOS).
Overspending is just another habit. Don’t let your limited emotions lead you to think you need that new handbag or pair of new shoes because you are distraught and trying to get over the relationship that didn’t work out. Because I am telling you that you could get yourself into a financial mess here if you think that new expensive designer handbag you think you cannot live without is going to solve your problems. Guess again!
Shopping is a short-term fix and gives you a dopamine high. Don’t let all that new and shiny stuff sidetrack you from your new self. You probably don’t need all that new stuff and you are probably doing it for all the wrong reasons! You must exhibit some self-control. Don’t do what I did, debt makes you fell much, much worse!
8.Do not Speak Poorly or say Untruthful things about your ex.
I know, I know, why would we not want to do this? We all know how seductive gossip can be and the juicy story that can get everyone engrossed, all we need is some butter popcorn and we can have everyone hanging by the seat of our every word. Have you ever had a breakup and started to say nasty things about your ex? I know I have! It is only human right?
Everything you say and everything you do is a reflection of you and your character. I know it is tempting to start rumors and start divulging on intimate details but with your emotions running high, but it’s not a good idea to say hurtful or untrue things about your ex, even if they leave you for a friend, roommate or anyone else for that matter. Your experience is what matters, it doesn’t matter who, why, what when, or where. You get to decide on you new story, so consciously decide on your confidence, your ability to achieve and your ability to love yourself through a difficult transition.
If you aren’t in a position to say anything kind or nice, or if you are just not there yet, don’t say anything at all. Because every time you react to every silly thought that crosses your mind, you and your mouth may get you into real strife here. So be conscious and be intentional if you do want to get over it. I know you can, it takes some discipline to NOT do the usual things we are so habituated in doing. The hardest part about change is not making the same decisions again.
Don’t let gossip or your desires to say mean things stop you from getting over this experience called a breakup. Breakups are difficult enough. Don’t add to that by making up stories in your own mind and then gossiping or spreading them around to other people. Adversity can bring out the worst in people, but it can also bring out the best in people too. Resistance shows up in many ways and it can be seductive and lead you stop growing and it will stop you from moving forward, but don’t let it, don’t compromise your integrity for mindless gossip.
If you want to be the best and most confident you during this process, you are going to have to be aware of the things that are keeping you stuck and keeping you from your new path. Gossiping is not the path of freedom or confidence, it is the path of distraction, deceit, and limitation.
9.Spend Time with Friends and Family
Even in the most difficult of times and in the darkest of hours, value yourself and value your friendships. There is that amazing bond of mutual affection and adoration for one another and life just wouldn’t be the same without them. They are those people who you can count on for support, advice, a shoulder to cry on and lots of fun-filled times. These special people in life who make our hearts overflow with love! “They are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” Marcel Proust. That transition time is hard and your friends and family are going to be critical in this juncture.
These are one of those challenging times in life, remember your friends can help alleviate your broken heart to get you through this, these challenges can strengthen the bond of your friendship and you know you can get through anything together.
10.Forgive, Let Go & Never Look Back
Breakups aren’t always the easiest things to move on from. But with a little mental fortitude and a will to move forward from a greater level of mind, you can literally do anything and that level of tenacity will help you to gracefully move on. You will feel better if you take the steps necessary to do so. What is more important than your happiness and your emotional and mental liberty?
Don’t be a victim of a bad breakup, take responsibility for your own life, you are in charge here, don’t let that runaway freight train lead you down a path of hatred, insecurity and self-destruction, you are better than that, love yourself enough to choose your forgiveness, choose your liberation and love yourself enough to get over it, trust that better things are in store for you, because they are!
Your ego can be the ultimate drama queen. It will try and manipulate you and will create so much resistance and try and make it a HUGE deal that your partner left you for his friend and room-mate. You are going to have to get over it! It happens more often than you think. Be grateful for the fact that it happened sooner than later and you didn’t waste any more precious time together and it you didn’t get strung along.
Now, you can cut out the people that aren’t meant to be there and find the ones that are. Resistance will show up in so many ways during the aftermath of your break up and it won’t want you to move forward. It wants you to justify the drama in your mind, to get angry, upset, frustrated, gossip and make up stories. But resistance is just like anything else, it can be beaten, you CAN beat it.
Finding Love Again
I met my husband in April 2014. I had no idea that only a year later I would be married to the most amazing person, a person who epitomizes everything that I have ever wanted in a life partner. Breaking up IS hard to do. But life is full of surprises and twists and turns. Don’t miss out on the beauty and magic of the present moment by staying ‘stuck’ in your past life, because it can be your emotional demise, so you don’t let it. Don’t let your resistance and inabiility to let go got in the way of your well-being and ultimately you new life.
Love yourself enough to move forward with self-respect, dignity and a new lease on life. Trust in the fact that better things are in store for you despite the pain, doubt and insecurity. You WILL learn a lot about yourself during this process and you will propel yourself into becoming a more confident and capable person because of it.
Sometimes life is the school of hard-knocks. Pick yourself back up, brush yourself off, get back our there with a fresh perspective and get on with it.
- Don’t lie and pretend you are fine.
- Don’t try and be just ‘friends.’
- Don’t overeat because you feel sorry for yourself
- Don’t reconnect with your other exes
- Don’t seek retribution.
- Don’t sleep with strangers or find a rebound.
- Don’t communicate in any way shape for form.
- Don’t sleep together again.
- Don’t forget to take care of yourself and take some time to process your new life.
- Don’t give up on yourself or LOVE.
Don’t let a breakup drag you down.
YOU are in charge here, yes you. I believe in you.
Be beautiful, be classy and move forward.