WHAT IS SELF-CONFIDENCE?
Confidence is the ability to make decisions and trust that those decisions are for your highest good. You trust your own judgment; your own abilities and you are self-reliant. This characteristic is one of the most imperative when it comes to success. People with little or no confidence may find it difficult to find a level of success because they let fear stop them in their tracks.
“There are two main things that contribute to self-confidence: self-efficacy and self-esteem. We gain a sense of self-efficacy when we see ourselves (and others similar to ourselves) mastering skills and achieving goals that matter in those skill areas. This is the confidence that, if we learn and work hard in a particular area, we’ll succeed; and it’s this type of confidence that leads people to accept difficult challenges, and persist in the face of setbacks.” https://www.mindtools.com/selfconf.html?
When someone is confident, they don’t talk about it. They are too busy BEING it that they are quiet in their confidence, they don’t sing their own praises, they don’t boast about it, they aren’t arrogant, they don’t show off.
When YOU are too busy embodying this thing called confidence, YOU have nothing to prove to anyone. Self-confidence is something within you that you cultivate over time and is an unshakeable state of being, where you are not affected by what other people say or what other people do. All of us at some point have been through periods in our life when we have felt doubtful, insecure, uncertainty and felt as though we were just not good enough and not worthy of something or someone. It’s not a good feeling is it?
However, it is in our ability to overcome these limited emotions in our lives that create confidence and self-efficacy. Confidence takes time, it takes a lot of work, and a new level of desire to create and achieve the things we want in life such as an amazing career, a wonderful partner, and authentic friendships. You become an unshakeable force moving towards what you want in life.
Sure, confident people stumble too but they get right back up, keep going and they don’t feel the need to be validated by anyone, they don’t need the external world to reassure them of anything. It is innate within them.
ARE YOU TAKING IT PERSONALLY?
Another person’s judgments are about them and not you. If you believe something that comes out of someone else’s mouth, you are probably taking it personally. What THEY said and/or did is because of THEM, not YOU. You aren’t in charge of the words that come out of another person’s mouth or the ill intention created by someone else. But you are responsible for how you react.
An insecure person may react but the self-reliant person won’t. These people realize that is just wasted energy and if they retaliate, they believe at some level there may be truth to the words or they have decided to take it personally. Is it worth it to take on someone else’s toxicity and their own expectations of you or whom they think you should be?
If someone gives you a gift of ill manners or a gift of their harsh words and you choose not to accept them, then to whom does the gift still belong? Is it worth it to react and respond or is it just wasted energy? And if you do choose to respond to their ill will, and ruminate over their words, you are relinquishing your power. Do you want to relinquish your power? I didn’t think so!
But as we become more aware and self-actualized, there is a realization that people’s judgments are about them and not you. “Are your steps going to move LOUDLY toward or QUIETLY away from that person? If you try and hurt them back, then that makes you like them!” Do you want to be like them? If you are busy judging them, because they judged you, then you are attempting to solve the problem at the same level it was created. Instead, you must elevate your thinking and your level of mind. Let your confidence speak the loudest about who you really are.
When you have an unshakeable sense of self, and when you are impervious to the opinion of others, you are self-confident. When you make everything about what’s going on about you, you are taking it personally. Did you realize that everything is NOT about you? Can you even stand it? If you are finding reasons to take something personally or being offended, you will always suffer disappointment and assign intent. Happy, confident people do not assign intent to the actions of others.
In life one thing is for sure; someone won’t call you back when they said they would, someone may stand you up, someone will probably forget your birthday, someone will more than likely cut you off on the freeway, jump the queue in front of you at the supermarket and you know what, you will probably do the same too! The important part to remember is, how are YOU going to react to it?
Confident people don’t take what others do personally; they know and innately understand that what others do is because of them, not you. Don Miguel Ruiz wrote in The Four Agreements that if you never take anything personally, you become immune to needless suffering. Confident people don’t take things personally, they hold the core belief that their life is one hundred percent in their control and they take one hundred percent responsibility for it.
STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS
It doesn’t serve you to constantly compare yourself to others because you are uniquely YOU. You are inherently different; you have a different set of values, beliefs, opinions, wants and desires. We come in all shapes, sizes, and colors, and every one of us is different and that is the beauty of it isn’t it?
Teddy Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” If you keep comparing yourself to others, you don’t have the confidence to accept that you and that your life is good enough and nothing will ever be good enough. So cease it immediately, if you want to be happy and free.
Beauty is an elusive word that is difficult to describe. Your definition of beauty is different than my definition of beauty, and it’s different, still, from the definition of beauty than that of a model that graces the front cover of Vogue or Cosmopolitan. So then, it begs the question, whose definition of beauty is right?
But guess what? Most of us aren’t supermodels that are 6 feet tall and super skinny, and we just need to accept it and accept us for who we are. And WE are all beautiful, every single one of us. You don’t need designer magazines to show you or tell you what their definition of beauty is, that is just good marketing and advertising, and have you bought into their story.
Don’t be seduced or hypnotized by the media’s version of beauty. That is another ploy and tactic to BUY what they want you to. Become immune to media manipulation and live your own version of your life.
You DEFINE your own life by just being you. No one can stand in the way of your own unique greatness and it is up to you to decide. Don’t just believe everything that you are told or take on someone else’s opinion of you, you take control and be confident in you and stop comparing yourself to everyone else, it is absolutely futile. So stop it. Who else is going to believe in you if you don’t?
STOP BEING SO SELF-CENTERED
Did you know the world doesn’t revolve around you? Well, YOUR world does revolve around you, like my world revolves around ME. We have been the star of our own show from the beginning, so it is no wonder we can be so self-centered and narcissistic because we wrote the screenplays of our own lives. We have decided our fates and made the decisions of what our screenplay looks like.
However, at some point, you let other people play a part in your screenplay and they let you play a role in theirs. This can get confusing and conflicting if we don’t know the role that they have been assigned because we haven’t done a good job of helping them or showing them. They show up and they are supposed to be mind readers aren’t they? You assume they already know the lines they were supposed to speak? In reality, this isn’t the case, so don’t forget to ask questions and help them with their lines, there is an adventure in the unknown too, be flexible and add new plot twists and new actors to your screenplay.
Set the tone of your movie and don’t let others ruin it and be mindful of what role you play in their movie too. You can’t be the star of everyone’s show now can you?
It takes a level of self-awareness and self-reflection to stop being selfish and self-centered. Be prepared, it is not always easy either, your ego will want you to be the protagonist and the star, put that bad boy on mute and let someone else be the star every now and then. It is NOT always about YOU.
ARE YOU SUFFERING FROM UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS?
Why is it that we always make this ridiculous assumption that people can read our minds? Where did this nonsensical belief even come from? Expectations of perfection and everyone living up to YOUR STANDARDS are not a realistic depiction of life. Can you even stand it?
When you “expected” your husband to remember to take out the rubbish, wash the car, clean out the kitty litter, make the bed, do the laundry, cook dinner, kiss you, text you, tell you how much he adores you, remembers ALL anniversaries, birthdays, and you want him to tell you in the tone you expect he should right?? And it goes on and on doesn’t it? It certainly did for me, I thought every man ought to read minds! Ha, what a joke. Unrealistic expectations don’t mean you don’t have standards and needs in your relationships, it just means cut your friends and family a break, no one is EVER going to live up to YOUR expectations of them, never, it won’t happen so stop doing it, your happiness and peace of mind depends on it.
Confident people don’t “expect” other people to do as they do and in the way they think it should be done. Confident people live life to the beat of their own drum and create their life instead of waiting for it to happen and for success to come knocking at the door.
Confident people know that expectations lead to needless distress, are you suffering unnecessarily because of your expectations? Then, it is time to reevaluate now isn’t it?
PROTECT YOUR MOST PRECIOUS COMMODITY
We all secretly want more of it, It is elusive and it cannot be seen or touched. It is really one of the most precious things in our lives now isn’t it but we don’t act like it is.
Your time is a rare and precious commodity. You cannot change it or get it back, you must accept it for what it is. I didn’t make up the rules, it just is the way it is with regards to time.
Confident people don’t waste their precious time and they won’t let others waste it either. Setting boundaries is imperative here. Confident people will not stand for time wasters, complainers, naggers, toxic, negative and selfish people, people who are attempting to rob them of their time. Don’t let this be you.
You get in life what you tolerate, what you accept and what you feel worthy of. If you tolerate people disrespecting you, they will continue to do it, if you tolerate and accept being, unfit and lazy, it will continue, if you accept people being late, they will be late for you, if you accept people complaining to you and getting sucked into their stories and waste your precious time, it will continue until you decide it is going to stop.
Confident people don’t’ accept this level of mediocre in their lives, will you? Difficult decisions have to be made and it is up to you to instill it and set the standard of what you are going to accept in your life.
YOU have control of how people treat you and your life is dependent on the standards you set for yourself. If you don’t protect your mental, emotional and physical space, chaos will breed in this negativity and you won’t live in peace. Would you rather be confident and take control or keep living a mediocre existence and settle? Darren Hardy
Time IS limited stop wasting it on people who don’t deserve it, protect your space, get moving and create an extraordinary life.
MIND YOUR TONGUE
Are you constantly gossiping and talking about others behind their backs? Are you saying things about them that you would not say to their face? Do you think that diminishing another person is being of integrity? Are you jealous that they have what you say you want? Do you feel better than those people you are gossiping about? If so, what does gossiping really say about you? Confident people DO NOT do this.
If it is so destructive, then why do we do it? According to the University of Massachusetts, gossiping “is tied in with self-esteem.” Robert Feldman, a psychologist with the university, stated, “We find that as soon as people feel that their self-esteem is threatened, they immediately begin to lie at higher levels. He has conducted numerous studies where sixty percent of people would lie at least one time in a ten-minute conversation.” http://www.livescience.com/772-lie.html This literally means that adults can barely have a substantive conversation without talking negatively about someone else or lying every single hour. Is this not beyond ridiculous? Why couldn’t you become more productive at work or workout a little harder? Instead, people chose to diminish other people, embellish and put others down.
“Gossip seems harmless on the surface, but it can cause a lot of negative things in people’s lives. Gossip is not giving love. Gossip is giving negativity and that’s exactly what you receive back. Gossip is not harmful to the person who is being spoken of; gossip harms those gossiping!” (Rhonda Byrne, The Power, 2011).
Gossiping is so insidious and ego driven that most of us do it without even thinking about it, or realizing it. It is a totally subconscious habit. It is created over time and that habit may be hard to break because whenever you get together with your friends, you gossip and it becomes the means of connecting. If you STOPPED gossiping about other people, I assure you your productivity will increase because you aren’t wasting your time on their life and you have started to focus with a concerted effort on the things in your own life.
Do you realize that someone else’s life and their life’s decisions are not any of your business and can you handle that? Do you get sucked in by someone else’s need to gossip to you? Do you think that you play no part if you just listen to someone else bitch and moan and gossip about someone else? Why even waste your precious time?
Even if you aren’t the one gossiping and you are the one listening and haven’t stopped the rumor mill, you too are responsible for the type of energy you bring into an energetic interaction with someone, and you, too, are responsible for the energy you permit into your reality. You are responsible and if you are partaking in it, you ARE part of the perpetual and defiling nature of gossip.
Do you even realize that whether or not the gossip is true, it is just a story, just a perception, your perception? If you choose not to buy into that story and refrain from partaking in gossip, you have chosen your liberty, your freedom. And what a relief it is to not partake in carrying that burden. Wouldn’t you agree?
You have amazing things to accomplish and goals to achieve. Don’t let gossip distract you from your greatness. Here’s the truth, unless you are inside that person’s head, you don’t have a clue what someone’s actual motives are. You cannot know for sure why someone’s actions are they way they are, you can only make your best judgment or assumption. And most of the time, they aren’t true so don’t even try! Self-assured people don’t do this, they know it is a waste of time and energy.
Science now tells us that a retelling of an event that happened years ago is fifty percent untrue due to embellishments, judgments and because perceptions change over time. Dr. Joe Dispenza. So, if you think that you are getting an honest recollection of someone else’s version of the story, think again. Your perception today is vastly different than it was 10, 20, 30 years ago isn’t it?
Why even bother to participate in it or even listen to it? Get on with your own life. The magic and truth of your life are passing you by when you are so wrapped up in someone else’s life. You are missing out on the beauty and magic of the present moment when you are being seduced by gossip.
If you want to take the fast-track to change, then stop gossiping. Even if you saw it or heard it, the content is very subjective and open to interpretation and judgment. It’s just a story. Do you want to buy into their story or get on with your story and paint the picture of your own life?
Gossip is a destructive distraction, it is unattractive and what people say about you is just a reflection of them and what you say about people is just a reflection of you. Be classy, be honest and authentic, and stop gossiping. Confident people know that gossiping is a waste of their time and realize it is just deterring them from accomplishing their dreams. They are too busy creating the life they desire to partake in silly hearsay.
HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE
You know that happiness is not outside of you, it is within you. It IS a choice. You know that your confidence is not contingent on something or someone. You must choose it. It is intrinsic. Stop looking for that outside approval to be happy and/or confident.
The good news is that confidence is one of those things that can be learned, cultivated and by doing so, becomes strengthened. By making sound decisions based on sound judgment and overcoming self-doubt, you can become confident. It may take practice and it may be hard, but it is worth it to live and be confident in you.
Confidence IS one of your greatest allies and it is one of the key ingredients to an extraordinary life.
Byrne, R. (2010). The Power. Atria Books
Hoch, Tim. (June 29th, 2014). 10 Ways You’re Making Your Life Harder Than It Has To Be.
10 Ways You’re Making Your Life Harder Than It Has To Be
Lloyd, R. (May 15th, 2006) Why People Lie http://www.livescience.com/772-lie.html
Mind Tools.(2016). Building Self-Confidence, Preparing Yourself for Success.