Are YOU suffering from Disappointment and Failed Expectations? I know I have too suffered the treachery of being disappointed and feeling that I let someone down because I didn’t live up to their expectations…
Have you ever lived your life trying to PLEASE everyone else? And then you realize that everyone has their own opinion and expectation of how you ‘should’ live and how they ‘expect’ you to act in certain situations in YOUR so called life? Have you ever caught yourself saying “if I only do this…. Then I will make my parents happy?” Or if I don’t do this then they will finally approve of me. If I do this then my siblings will be elated. If I don’t do that, then my friends will finally approve of me. If I change, then I will make my boss happy?
The Dreaded Cycle
Hmmm, it is the dreaded cycle isn’t it? With all of THEIR opinions, can you even please anyone, let alone everyone? If you try and live like that, aren’t you then just taking a backseat to your own life and your own deepest desires? I hope you have been wearing your seatbelt because you have been riding the tumultuous life rollercoaster haven’t you? The life where you try and please and appease everyone else, but the most important person in your life, YOU, you forget about yourself and make everyone else important. But there is a great cost isn’t there? Pain, suffering, lack of confidence and success, not living up to your own potential, your happiness and the list goes on and on. What about YOU?
How can you possibly live out the greatest expression of YOU when you have 10 people who want what’s BEST for you telling you how to live and how you ‘should; react and what decision you ‘ought’ to make? It is an awful place to be isn’t it? It permeates our belief system early in our life doesn’t it? The need for approval and that we should do what everyone expects us to do and make “them” happy?
We Can’t Please Everyone Now Can We?
When we start to realize at some point in our lives that this is not going to make us happy and we start unpeeling and removing the need for approval, things at first seem to awry but eventually, we find peace amidst all of the conflict and amidst all of the breaking of our usual emotional ties and bonds to the past.
What is it about major life events like weddings, ceremonies and having babies that can cause such negative reactions in some people? What makes them lash out if they aren’t invited or they aren’t ‘in the know’ because you decided you would do it YOUR way and not seek the approval of anyone else?
What is it about these so-called ‘milestones’ that has seemingly loving people let their emotions get the better of them and start hijacking their usual logical selves and they start criticizing you, acting out, and even attacking you in an uncharacteristic way and accusing you or someone else because they took what you did as a personal attack against them and that what they say is not important?
What is it about these situations that when taken personally, friendships are broken beyond reproach, families start to become fragmented and sisters and close friends start lashing out stating what you did was unforgivable because they weren’t invited and what they say on social media was a depiction that was not even the truth. They painted a picture in their mind from their level of perception that was created from a limited mindset.
Do you believe that your opinion SHOULD be my reality? And do you think that I need to conform to what you think I SHOULD do? And then it begs the other side of the coin, is my opinion your reality? Or are they just merely projections of our own beliefs?
Expectations of what other people do or say can have people getting into insane frenzies and conflict runs rampant in disagreements over ridiculous things, but we see it time and time again. You just have to watch a little reality TV and you will be exposed to more than enough of it. If you want to be sad and depressed, then keep watching, but if you want to be happy and free, don’t waste your time on that nonsense.
It would seem that in life if you don’t do what another person thinks you ‘should,’ then they start acting like you have personally attacked or offended them and you need to make it right, right? Ah, sorry I don’t think so. Everyone has the right to their own way of living and their own unique path. Your story is just that, YOUR story. I don’t need your approval and you don’t need mine.
It Comes Down To Pereception
I believe that most people inherently aren’t doing things to intentionally hurt other people. It really comes down to perception and how you perceive something. It doesn’t mean that I don’t care but it does mean that I love myself enough that I’m not going to live my life “your way.”
If you have an expectation of how I should live, isn’t that opinion about you? Or maybe we don’t add value to each other’s lives that you would think that everything I do must have your stamp of approval on it? Or maybe it’s you who needs to reflect on why you need me to please you in my life’s quest. Life can be a dance of difficulty, and dysfunction but it can also be amazing and passionate when we get it just right!
I realized that everyone has their own opinion and their own belief system that they live by. However, if I were to attempt to please everyone, where would I be? Living the life my mum wanted me to have, living the life my brother said I should have. Living a life where my partner dictated my actions and decisions. Would I then be living my life for them because they don’t agree with my decisions? And every time I make a decision that you or someone else doesn’t like, they fire off their emotional charge at me in disdain and disgust and tell me how much I hurt them. Am I really hurting you or is your perception about me and my life hurting you?
We are Taught Early On In Life to Appease People
In order to be happy, do you realize you DON’T need anyone else’s “approval” or anyone else’s expectations met so you can be happy? This answer is a resounding, of course NOT. No, you don’t need any of that to be happy, free or at peace with yourself do you? At some point in life, you may have been taught that you do and you might have believed it. Confident people don’t live their life according to anyone else’s standards or anyone else’s expectation of themselves. Confident people live their lives according to THEIR own standards and their own expectations of themselves.
Have you ever come to this conclusion? It doesn’t matter what YOU do, people will always do what THEY do independently from what YOU do based on what they believe and perceive. It is really the opposite of what we have all been taught. I know for me, when I started to live MY life the way I wanted and not appeasing anyone else, I lost friends and relationships, but that is part of the process. There is beauty and magic in change and you will meet the people and have new relationships with new people where your core values align and you will no longer be enslaved to that OLD belief system.
People have the choice to make their own decisions and you can choose to be affected but them or not affected by them because you aren’t going to diminish or rob your peace of mind for their behavior. Or if I’m taking it personally, I may think they did it because of me. People do and say what they say, because of their own reality and their own experience. You don’t force them to do anything. They do it because they choose to.
The Victim Mindset is a Limited Mindset
Have you ever noticed that if you have a victim mindset, that nothing is ever YOUR fault, then you will react like a victim and you will place blame externally and not take responsibility. If you are an angry person, you will react angrily. If you are compassionate, then you will enact that level of mind called compassion. You will only react to the same level of mindset you are at and literally your beliefs stop you from seeing anything else and you become inflexible to SEEING from a different level of mind
I realized quickly that I will NEVER ever please anybody, let alone everybody and I don’t think that’s what life is about.
Life is about deep relationships and amazing experiences. Life is about connection and intimate relationships. Life is about joy and learning from your mistakes, taking risks, challenging yourself to become better, and life is about wisdom, integrity, and self-reflection.
Because what I do know is this; If you try and please everybody, you are probably not going to live a life governed by your own decisions.
Is it EVEN possible to make EVERYONE happy? With everyone’s beliefs and unrealistic expectations of who you are and how you ‘should’ live, how are you supposed to make any decisions without hurting anyone’s feelings? It literally can’t be done, it is impossible, STOP IT, and STOP it NOW.
Are you really going to call ALL of your friends and family before you make all of your life’s decisions because they may ‘disapprove’ because they know what is ‘best’ for you? What would your life look like if that is the way you made all of your decisions? probably confused and more complicated right? You would have about 10 or more opinions floating around your subconscious and you wouldn’t even be able to decide on anything. Indecision is one of the most imprisoning places to be because you feel trapped and lost in uncertainty. People may have their own opinion of what is BEST for you, but that is their projection and their story? It really may be what is best for THEM and not you.
It is not that I don’t ever consult my husband and my confidants for their advice and/or opinion, because I do consult them with certain things and they always give me very constructive and objective advice but if I am confident about something, I trust myself enough to know how to make the best decision for me.
Get Rid Of The Need For Approval
Releasing the need for approval is another skill. It is a skill like anything else and it takes practice. If you have sought the approval of others before you did anything before, it may be unfamiliar NOT to do that and feel strange. But with a little practice, you will find your own footing and your own way. Start living to the beat of your own drum. Be confident enough in your own decisions and don’t let the opinions others stand in the way of your own uniqueness and your own greatness.
The Wright brothers were told they were crazy to even think they could fly a plane and look what they accomplished. The person who ran a mile in under 4 minutes and was told that the goal was impossible! Really? If that’s what you really believe. If they believed this, we wouldn’t have the magnificent feats we do today because they would have let the opinions and the need for approval of others stop them from trying what they wanted to accomplish. And look at what they accomplished because of their tenacity, motivation and confidence in themselves.
If you try and please everyone, you won’t live a life based on your own decisions and your own deepest wishes and desires will you? I have learned that I will never live up to your expectations of me. I have learned that attempting to do so is an exercise in futility. I have learned that your judgments and reactions are about you and not me and I have learned that my reactions and judgments are about me and not you.
“I don’t know the key to success. But the key to failure is trying to please everyone.” Unknown
To igniting YOUR passionate life,