“We meet but briefly in life, if we touch each other with stardust, that is everything.”
I know about loss and grief, I know about doubt, tragedy, and uncertainty and know what it is like to lose a loved one to suicide. Anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide knows what it is like to feel the loss, the grief, the uncertainty the pain and the heartache. There’s a heaviness that you seem to carry around with you because you can’t fathom “why” people do what they do and depart this world and leave you to figure it out alone and without them.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think about this amazing woman who I call my mum.
The Woman I call, “My Mum.”
My mother was a stunning woman of grace, she was elegant, she was poised, she was sweet and she was a loving wife, sister and mother. She left her family in Indonesia, followed her heart and moved half way around the world to be with the love of her life, MY father.
I remember the way she looked, her mesmerizing brown eyes looking into mine, like we had our own secret world, I remember her dark brown hair and beautiful olive skin and remember her being picture perfect. I remember the way she walked, I remember the way she talked, I remember the way she smelled, I remember the way she would tuck me into my bed at night, kiss me and rub her cheeks up against my cheeks, I remember how hard she worked so that my sisters and I could live a great life and I remember the way she loved me unconditionally.
I remember when she held my hand and called me little baby, I remember the last day she kissed my face and whispered in my ear “I love you to the moon and back” AND…..
I remember that fateful last day that she walked out of our house never to return…..
I was only 4 years old when my mother took her own life.
After multiple suicide attempts and after being institutionalized for manic depression she killed herself. I couldn’t grasp why and I remember my desperate attempts to stop her from her tragic death. I was only 4, I could not even fathom the ramifications of what would come next….
Losing My Precious Mother.
They found her life-less body in a car park an hour from my house, she had poisoned herself with carbon monoxide. I remember thinking about her suffering when she died and it my heart bled to know she was in such pain and I could no longer help my beloved mother. Although I was only 4 but I had an understanding that she was gone and she wasn’t coming back.
I remember the aftermath of grief, despair, sheer terror, and abandonment. I felt alone, afraid and uncertain about my life. “Why did you leave us mum, we loved you so much?” Although my father re-married soon after my mother’s passing, I remember watching my father struggle with the loss of his wife and I watched him helplessly spiral out of control gambling and becoming an emotional mess until we lost our house and we were forced to move and try and piece our lives back together.
Amongst the myriad of dysfunction and chaos in my life, my relationship with my step-mother was strained at best. The struggles of a young girl then blossoming into a teenager looking for her identity and being scarred with tremendous loss, I felt hopeless, abandoned and incredibly insecure and unlovable.
Searching For My Identity.
It was at the end of my high school years I felt a depression looming. Who am I? Why am I here and why do I feel so alone? I started taking anti-depression medication which alleviated my suffering temporarily but the trade off was that I felt so numb to the world, sickly isolated and feeling a serious lack of connection to it and to anyone I became close to. I quit medication and sought out a psychologist. Sessions and sessions of psychotherapy and psychology weren’t enough to help me find answers and solutions to my long-term grief and depression although it did help to talk to someone about it and try and face my own shadows.
I threw myself into school and competitive sports and started to excel, I won scholarships to travel overseas as I continuously searched for my identity and who I was and why this thing at the back of my mind still plagued me. I was determined to find answers.
As a young adult, I traveled the world, Japan, Italy, Paris, Croatia, the US, in a desperate attempt to fill that void that I so longed for, connection, companionship, understanding, and love. I ended up in multiple mentally and physically abusive relationships where my abandonment issues overrode the ability to move forward in them without serious disharmony and discord. I was miserable and I was living out my worst nightmare and this was called ‘my life.’ It was more like a tragedy that was spiraling downhill and fast.
Finding The Inner Strength To Continue.
For the longest time, I lacked a deeper understanding about my mother and what she chose to do. I felt hopeless, I was nothing but a victim of my mother’s suicide and what she did to us. I tried to understand it and dissect it. After numerous hours of counseling, psychologist appointments and emotional awareness (EQ) training, things started to change, I started to emerge with a different perspective of that emotional experience and could see a shift in my perspective.
I felt like I had shifted my perception of the whole experience and I felt like I had started to transmute this peak emotional experience into wisdom. It had been a long time coming. You cannot change the past, but you can certainly change your perception of it and instead of my beliefs about it imprisoning me, my beliefs about it were now setting me free. I could see it now to the exclusion of anything else. People “choose” their own destiny and so do we.
I learned that despite circumstances, people will do what they do no matter how much you love them and try to stop them. They WILL find a way. I learned that for me to move forward and set myself free of the mental prison I had created, I had to let go, move beyond my limitations and find the inner strength to continue with an open heart and a strength that can only propel you forward. I learned that although losing someone the way I did felt deeply like a personal attack against myself, that this type of thinking and limited belief system are the very ones that keep you stuck in the past and not taking responsibility for choosing your own peace of mind.
At the end of the day, YOU choose your own fate and you are the only one who can create your own happiness. You cannot control what others do but you always have control of how you react, respond and choose to live because of it.
I learned that these experiences in life don’t have to leave us helpless victims but can shape us to become stronger, more courageous and make better and more informed decisions. And although my heart was shattering into a million pieces for a very long time for my loss of my treasured mother, I eventually found a place of peace, of understanding, and I found a place of humility. I love her without judgment, I love her unconditionally.
The Miracle of Forgiveness.
If your heart has been broken for the loss of a loved one, honor them by living your BEST life, by always digging deep behind the wall of pain and grief and honor them by loving even more deeply and even more passionately. I promise YOU, It’s worth it. Despite the emotional pain, you can always find your inner courage and strength to continue. I know it hurts but I also know that YOU decide your own fate. You can be happy and free despite external circumstances, those external circumstances don’t define you, YOU define you.
Marianne Williamson says “A miracle is a shift in perception from fear to love.” I believe that we all have a penchant to move forward and evolve despite how hard it is and despite how awful we feel at the time, if we can choose to learn, grow and progress, we have the ability to overcome anything in our lives. “Forgiveness means that we are feeing ourselves from the agony of its effects. We forgive the past in order to be free of it.”
Wrestling With The Dark Knight Of The Soul.
Despite the circumstances and all of the unknowns, I dug deep and found the strength to continue. “You don’t realize how strong you are until you have no other choice….” Time does not heal all wounds, it is what you do with that time and the choices you make that will define you.
I wrestled with the dark knight of my soul many many times, and I finally saw the glimmer of light and of hope. I could not give up on myself. I would not give up on the happiness and fulfillment that I had always craved. There had to be a different way and I had to choose my courage, my strength and my mental fortitude.
My desire and willingness for change and personal transformation propelled me on a different path. The journey within and my adventure into the unknown began. My adversity became my genesis for evolution, self-reflection and self- expansion. I found myself standing on the edge of that ledge called the unknown, and I jumped off willing to tackle any obstacle and challenge that came my way with tenacity and courage.
We have been hypnotized into thinking that the unknown is terrifying because it’s the road less traveled. Just look at the movies, they depict the unknown as that scary, dark place in which we should never take that route… but it isn’t that way at all. It is where true creation begins, the ability to forge and create a new life and a new beginning. It is not scary, it’s exciting, it unlocks the veil of opportunity to us so that we can choose a different path.
The decision to jump and to change became an embodied experience and I literally rewrote the biological code and I stopped doing all the things that were not loving to myself and I jumped into the uncertainty, the myriad of infinite possibilities and potentials. This meant breaking the habit of being myself. Dr. Joe Dispenza
Falling In Love with Possibility.
I didn’t know what else to do but fall in love with the unlimited possibilities and potentialities. I surrendered my old self for a greater ideal, a new and improved self. And when you make that decision, there is no greater feeling than demonstrating growth and transformation in your own life, now that is the true epitome of joy.
We are such powerful beings that we can evolve ourselves and become someone else. In an instant we can modify our behavior and ourselves should we choose to. We don’t have to wait a lifetime to change and make progress. We don’t have to be born of the womb again to start a new life. It begins, when you decide it begins.
Choose To Overcome Your Old Patterns & Beliefs.
In those moments, when you choose to overcome your limitations enough times, you will gain dominion over them and eventually, they will have NO control over you and you will regain your power and start the process of true creation, true evolution.
Who do I want to be? What is the greatest expression of myself? What does greatness and nobility look like? Can I obsess about a future that is full of infinite possibilities, about hope, about change, about progress, and be so inspired by myself and my transformation that I could create a live a life worth living? YES!
I would get up at 4:30am and meditate until the old Susie no longer existed. I would recondition my body to a new mind, a new mind of love, happiness, health, truth, and integrity.
I believe that personal transformation is a gift of self-awareness. It allows us to grow and learn so that we can do a better job in life. Self-love is mastering those parts of you that keep you stuck, limited and driven to your lowest common denominator… it is up to you to conquer your own dark knight of the soul.
For the first time in my life, I stopped feeling as if my life was being orchestrated by my subconscious, negative habitual patterns, like a puppet and living a life enslaved to my past, hypnotized by the idea that I was just a victim of it.
When I made the decision to no longer live my life by the means of survival and stress, I became very aware that I had the power to change, that I could captain my ship and head in the direction of love, abundance, and wellness and not continue into the turbulent winds of stress and suffering any longer.
Did you ever notice that when you fall to your knees and you become aware of the unconscious programs, it is like lighting a candle in a dark place and coming to the realization that you can do a much better job in life? And with that new understanding, why would you ever continue doing those things that are no longer serving you?
Mastering My Old Self.
I decided to make some pretty drastic changes in my life. To my whole life. The mind that created the body is the mind and power that heals the body. I felt like Gandalf at the bridge, yelling to my limited beliefs “you shall not pass!” And when a thought crossed my mind that was not a loving one, I examined it, I looked at what I believed about it and if it no longer served me, I discarded it.
Easier said than done right? In the face of change, persistence, will power and GRIT is key.
When I can master my anger, I am happy, when I can overcome my frustration, I am liberated, and did you ever notice when you gain dominion over your limited emotions, that the side effect of that is peace and joy, and the side effect of confidence and self-love is harmonious relationships and peace of mind?
I practiced and rehearsed the greatest ideal of who I wanted to become and activated those dormant circuits of who I wanted to become … it took enormous amounts of time, energy and a relentless dedication towards healing and health. But what would the cost be if I didn’t choose to love myself and choose to change? A life of misery, distress and dis-ease. I had already just lived that and I was determined to never live that again. Jim Rohn said: “When does your life improve, when YOU improve!”
My desire is to inspire you to live the life that you have always wanted, that in your darkest hour, know that there is light, in your loneliest moments, know that there is no separation, only the illusion of it and in your waking life, choose your magnificence, your greatness, “you are a galaxy of amazement.”
There is nothing you can’t do, there is nothing you can’t be and there is nothing that can stop you from realizing the greatest expression of who you are.
One of the greatest obstacles in life is the mastery of self, mastering our limitations gaining wisdom from our past experiences and when we obtain and demonstrate the greatest expression of who we are. “The way we transform the world is by transforming ourselves and when we live in that state of being called love and gratitude, we give other people permission to do the same.” Dr. Joe Dispenza.
What If You Obsessed About The Best Case Scenario?
My question to you is what would your life look like if you obsessed about your health, the love in your life and your abundance, instead of your stress, your anxiety and the worst possible outcome? What your co -worker said or did is irrelevant, that person who cut you off in traffic is a benign thought, that person who deceived you, you because you are too busy creating a fabulous life for yourself according to your own rules and expectations.
“When you get out of church, don’t cut people off and give them the finger. If you don’t like war, don’t war with your friends and family. If you don’t like corporations taking advantage and deceiving, then you be honest and tell the truth. If there is fear, then you show courage and if you see anger and hatred, show compassion. If you don’t like poverty, then you give.” Dr. Joe Dispenza. Be the example of something greater and never give into those sub-vocalizations in your mind deterring you from reaching your full potential, those gremlins like to lie!
Don’t ever believe in the lie that you are not good enough. Don’t ever succumb to the notion that you are not worthy of love and not worthy of a great life. Wherever we learned that and whoever told us that, we must unlearn and unravel those mental states of being.
Thank you to Scientists who have done studies and they have revealed that you, the unique, you, with the parents you have, your DNA, the precise date and time you were born, with all of the natural disasters, wars, economic meltdowns etc is in fact, that the probability of you being born is 1 in 4 trillion. “You are not FINE, you are FANTASTIC.” Mel Robbins.
When the thought crosses your mind that you aren’t special or that you don’t make a difference, you challenge that belief and choose a different one. We as humans have been trained to believe that every thought that crosses our mind is true. But alas, the ego mind is insidious and deceptive and will have you believe in lies and limits.
You Are A Miracle.
You just have to get up and try. Change your mindset so that your perception allows for only possibility and not limitation. You have amazing things to accomplish.
My deepest desire for you is that you wake up every day inspired by your desire to go after what you want, chase your dreams, live a passionate life, find Love and be moved by the fact that you are a full blown miracle. I want you to do your best to live a life achieving all that you want, that you love passionately, that you let go of the past and that you promise to never give up on yourself no matter what life throws at you.
Tony Robbins stated that “The past doesn’t equal the future, it is in your moments of decision that shape your destiny.”
What My Mum Would’ve Wanted.
It is difficult for me to convey all of my feelings and my thoughts about the death of my beautiful mother and the profound way it has affected me. I think my mother would be proud of the woman I have become and the lessons I have learned since her passing. There is no guilt in living a happy and fulfilled life. I think that’s what she would have wanted.
I don’t know why my mother did what she did and that is okay, I have come to terms with that. But in my own search for meaning and understanding, she has given my life more meaning and more understanding and I am forever grateful and feel I honored to have known such an amazing woman for the short amount of time that I knew her.
So what I want you to do is bless your life and bless all of your adversity, and trust that it will raise your human experience up to wisdom and nobility.
I’m counting on you to dare greatly and live a treasured life.
I hope you always choose to cross the river of transformation and wake up rejuvenated with wisdom.
And to my cherished Mum:
“Although I can’t see you, when I talk to you, I know you listen. When I miss you, I know you hold me tight and still call me little baby. I look forward to the day I feel your warm embrace and gentle kisses, until that day comes, although I don’t see you with my eyes, our hearts are forever connected. I love you Mum.”